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Showing posts from 2007

Chapter 2: A dip in hot springs, a taste of sweet pie and trip back in History and Childhood

Wading in a pool of hot springs will not only bring warmth to your body but will also make you feel as if you could just wade in for long hours to release the tensions in your body. A dip made me feel so relieved and it made me feel like I'm in a spa. And of course, my cellphone took a dip in as well. :D

After a morning dip in the pool, we headed to the University of the Philippines in Los Banos, Laguna. We took a trip up the Makiling route to see the famed National Arts Center, built during the Marcos regime. It was a breathtaking nature trip and we saw Mother Nature in all its glory.

From the National Arts Center, we went to Lumban, Laguna, which is famous for its barongs. It was a fashion art, it may cost a lot, but its a work of art.

History was made in Laguna, when Dr. Jose Rizal, grew up from this place. His house is located in Calamba, and a museum was built in his honor . Artifacts from his era, were copied to make a reconstruction of the house where he once grew up. Dr. Riza…

Chapter 1: The beginning of a journey

The following events takes place between the 16th and 17th of December 2007.

My week-long vacation started on a Sunday afternoon. We started on the streets of Quezon City and our eyes soaked a lot of sights. From the streets of the Manila University Belt, not to mention some historic sites along the bay. And a treat to Manila Bay's famous sunset as we cruised along the roads that would lead us to our first destination: Nasugbu, Batangas.

Nasugbu, Batangas is famed not only for its beaches but also for the historic landing of General Douglas Mac Arthur on the shores of Nasugbu. It was a walk back in history.

From the Nasugbu Landing, we traveled by boat to a secluded beach. About 20 minutes from where we were staying. It was a piece of heaven. For me, it was a place where poets, novelists and writers could get ideas. As the waves crash on the rocks, a light sea breeze will kiss your face.

Of course, even with a breathtaking place like this, things could also go a little bit haywire, li…

to blindly see, what is not there...

I gaze at the waves as it kisses the shore. I silently vow that my pain would wash away with the waves upon the sand. I listen closely to the wind as it rushes to embrace the leaves of the palm trees. It softly rustles and cradles me.

I cry tears or sorrow. They fall upon the sands, where the waves cannot reach. I look upon the sky, as the pulse of heart slowly leaves my veins.

I try not to weep for a lost soul. I wander amongst the ruins of a former self.

A hand holds mine tight. Never letting me go. Promising me of a better future. I gaze at the eyes that would promise me forever, just like mine, the eyes were filled with hurt and betrayal. The heart cries out a thousand pains.

I see myself in those eyes. And walk away.


There are things that we wish for, but cannot have. We also ask ourselves if we need a savior or we don't need to be saved. Sometimes I just want to run away, and never come back. I just want to grab the keys of our car and drive away, somewhere far. Never looking back.

I see the eyes I long to see, but they only made me cry. I ask myself: "Do I hold on? Or do I let go? Should I follow a path that was never mine? Or should I go on treading a road which holds a lot of things unknown to me?"

In their eyes I have erred. In their eyes, I have betrayed them. But they will never know what's inside my heart. My grave awaits me, for they have dug it for me. Even if I see their heads hanging in a noose, they still think I am the traitor. I've forgiven them, even if they haven't forgiven me. I just pray that they find it in their hearts to forgive me, even if I haven't sinned. But who am I to discuss the good and the evil, when I am the suffering middle?

I walk on lan…

deceitful face that bears no eyes...

i am beginning to hate my very existence. how i wish i could turn back time and erase you. i love someone else, can't you see? unless you are being blinded by the false feelings that you feel for me.

i try to walk and run away, but you try to keep me still. i belong to someone else and my heart beats for another, i pray that i don't know you. you're a stranger whose face is empty. eyes that i don't see. i would like to believe that you're telling a truth, but to you, a truth is a lie.

my arms are entwined with someone elses arms. my heart beats as one with another heart.

only poisoned asps come out of your lips.

don't you belong to someone else?

the first tears of autummn fall from my eyes like summer's sweet passing into fall and then to winter. the sweet solace that winter brings me.

why must you come? only to make me cry. you promise me that tears will no longer fall from my eyes, but you, just like the rest, tells me a lie,a lie that i have been hearing, a…

a wade by the river of longing...

i hate to be condescending, in a way that i do sound condescending, when i try to hide these feelings that howl like raging winds inside of me. i pretend as if nothing is wrong and just walk on. even as i take small steps, it cuts thru me as if i were stepping on a broken mirror that reflects a broken self.

pity, that my heart, once healed, is scarred again. tears have run dry from these eyes. they weep for someone who is not there.

she runs her fingers thru mine, as if we would never touch again. i could still smell her sweet perfume as it leaves a mark, an indentity on my skin. her eyes that speak a thousand words. she tells me a lie, but her eyes speak thru those lies.

staring at a blank canvas that i wish were stained with rages of red, hues of blue sadness, green of jealousy and envy, mute blacks of pity and hatred. but i hold the brush, and as i begin to paint, transparent lines of pain flows into the canvas of the mind.

her heart and mine beats as one, like it will never beat again…

existence of a paradox within a paradox

you try to go on with your life as if it is in a normal pace. you pretend and go on with the flow even if it continues to sear your flesh and let the blood flow endlessly on the pavement of hatred. you leave a world behind that wasn't even there to begin with. fingers point to you as if you are the accused in the court of deafs. no one hears you out and you are sentenced to live your very existence into solitude.

tears won't matter for they fall on barren lands. voices won't matter, for they fall on deaf ears.

people tell you that you're nothing. you are not part of a world that they created. why? do they belong in yours? sometimes, correction, most of the times, what you do to release the anger pent up inside, can't save you. there's no one there to make you feel alright, when things go wrong.

how you wish that the people you hate, wait, loathe, are hanging by their necks amongst the rafters of the highest building.

you cry to the wind.

eyes that see, are blind…

hate is such a strong word...

day by day you are being grilled by people who think that they are better than you, that what you do is just a piece of trash, not even worthy of the trash bin. they think that they are the so-called "it" person, but no. sometimes, you get pushed over to the limit. you try to keep your calm by clenching your teeth and cursing under your breath. as if life would be no better. FAT CHANCE!!!

then your so-called life begins to crash, right in front of your very eyes. your mind begins to dwindle and most of the times you daydream that your hands are lodged in-between the head and the chest just above the throat of your hated person for the day. you watch in glee as he suffocates and tries to gasp for air. pity has left your heart. but of course, in real life, that doesn't happen.

you pretend that nothing is wrong. you crank up the volume of your music to block out the most annoying piece of existence of that person. you are now immersed into a world where no one could boss you …


i hate LIARS!!! one of the things i totally loathe are liars. they tell you things, but it turns out they're not real. they rip out the very fabric of existence. they let you fall for things that are there but not real.

i used to be gullible. stupid. i used to be weak and just follow the course that i wasn't suppose to. but things are changing.

i won't fall for the same mistakes again. i won't let a blindfold cover my eyes and just lead me to my very death. i used to believe that things are meant to happen. but they are wrong. i create my destiny.

true, its suicide. let death be my key. let the lies be my coffin, for i have been buried six-feet under. i should have died. then i have forgotten that i was dead already. dead in essence, that no one could fathom. dead that my bones are shattered and my soul to forever wander amongst a ghost of a former self.

i let myself believe that white was white, and black was black.


is the reencarnation of soul. lost in the world of r…

no strings attached

the words came tumbling down
like currents in the sea,
they say its pretty strange
a lovely painting to see.
no ink to be wasted on paper,
a pencil with no lead
its hard to walk on lands that have been dead.

she took a turn
she writhe with pain
waiting to learn...
except for the strings on her back waiting patiently to gain...

ripples in the water turned into dangerous waves
there was no solace, not even a cave.

the sun shone its brightest, never to dim,
they said she had no place to go, her chances were slim.

but then the wind blew
angst of sand swept...
thorns have left...
time has melted and pools ran dry
she began to cry.

but then where was she?

her strings undone...

and then she was gone.


why did i fall for you, only to get hurt? why were my feelings given to you only to be brought away? do i deserve such? all i have to hear are the words: that you now belong with someone else. i know no other way to love you than this... without complexities or pride, your hands with mine are my hands, and the heart that beats a million tears...

now that the eyes are looking into the skies when orion can be seen on a moonlit sky, my heart cries a river of bittersweet memories. only your memory comforts me of a better tomorrow. why help, when it is not needed? why make the sacrifice when it is nothing? i wish i could die a thousand deaths to elude such painful memory... i prayed for these feelings to go away with you, but they stayed. why? to hurt me again? to make me cry? to shatter my soul and become a wandering soul amidst a former broken self? as i cry, tears no longer fall, for no one to catch. why should i go on with life, when it has become meaningless?

everything is irreversibl…

a slow rise from the ashes of desire...

as i dream into a floating space of nothingness, i quote Neruda:
I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where.I love you straightforwardly, without complexities or pride;so I love you because I know no other way

than this: where I does not exist, nor you,so close that your hand on my chest is my hand,so close that your eyes close as I fall asleep.

i do believe that things happen for a reason and people meet and love for a reason. from the millions of people around the globe, you and your true love meet. just like Neruda, there is no other way i know how to love, but straightforwardly, without complexities or pride. how, where and when cannot be explained, when love is present.

i am now in a maze, where the twists and turns are the decisions i make.... i pray that when i find true love, God has blessed the broken road, the heart speaks a thousand smiles, a thousand tears that only your love can hold dear.

and as i wait, so I love you because I know no other way than this: where …


sometimes i wish that it were someone else, instead of the long wait. someone around. tears run dry from eyes, wishing amongst the stars when orion can be seen in the moonlit sky.

just like rain, my tears fall like torrents.

all my questions are being answered, as if to keep me from asking. sometimes i wish it were so, but no. i tried praying for these feelings to go away, but they stay. i want to break down and cry, but i am frozen. i keep on asking if it were possible to be with someone else, so my heart won't bleed. but the feelings stay.

i don't know if because of the distance, my faith is waning. i pray that everything would be fine, a closure and an answer. a medicine that would heal a broken heart that longs for.

if only i could see those eyes looking at the sky by the bay. how i long to hear the voice that tells me to play by ear not by heart. the heart that comforts me when i needed someone to be there for me when bruises appear on my arms.

if only...


They say love comes in all shapes and sizes. They even come in a box, gift-wrapped and given to you. Or, a package, left on your doorstep the previous night. When you wake up to get your morning newspaper on your front door, it's there. Waiting for you to open it. Once you open it, it's just full of surprises. Or it's an e-mail or a person you've known for two years but didn't have the guts to tell to (after all, you're 'just friends).

Whoever you go out with is crucial, top of the food chain. When you're meant to be, no matter what happens you will always end up with each other. But what if the one you love, loves someone else? Someone from the past?

I learned from a friend of mine; if you're going to be married, get two houses. In that way if you get angry with each other, either you or you're husband will move to the other house. That way you know where he'll be. It's going to be frustrating to know that at some point this person from …


i tried to move on and pretend that there are no tears falling down from my eyes. but it seems like i can't run away from the painful scars in my heart.

each step is painful, like walking on broken glass. each tear is a symbol of loneliness. pain. sorrow.
blood stains the shattered image of my soul, in a mirror of desire. a scarred heart that sheds tears of blood.

in sorrow, their is solace.

in my solitude, there are tears.

in my sleep, there are floating dreams of emptiness. barren and unforgiven. i see myself a shattered and lost soul amongst the ruins of a former self.

still waters

i see my reflection in a bitter cesspool of tears...

broken, shattered

a lost self among the ruins of a former self.

looking. searching.

i couldn't see my reflection. there's a void.

a space.

that can never be filled in.


they say that when you've met the person that would change your life forever, time becomes frozen. you're not aware of what's happening around you. the coldness of the air, the kids running past you, or the car that just swerved around the corner. you just stare itently. studying the eyes, smile, how that person smells. life begins to have more meaning.

they say that when you suddenly thought of the person, even though the person's a million miles away, that person is thinking of you too. how many more countless hours that person could spend with you. how time seems like a flash when you're with that person.

but when that person's gone, life becomes empty. time's so slow, never moving forward. just still. you begin to think of giving your love to someone you can never give your heart to. you become numb. your idea of a friday night is just sitting on the couch watching anything that's on tv. or you just rock yourself to sleep hoping that the pain will en…

eyes amongst the stars...

you pretend like nothing's wrong. everything is fine. but it's not.

you cry in silence and sit in a corner, and when someone comes around and asks you if you're okay, you say you are. even if you're heart is being ripped into a million pieces, fed to the sharks or thrown out to space to be placed amongst the stars in the galaxy. staring at orion's belt amongst other constellations, i can't help but remember those ojos that speak. they tell me of sadness, and happiness. the corazon that spoke thru those ojos, when orion can be seen in the moonlit sky.

how i longed to see those ojos. if only for a second. if i could only hear your voice. but now, my ojos silently weeps for an empty space that could no longer be filled. like a void in space that only time and space could fill.

how i long for yesterday that would never see today... i woke up on the wrong side of the bed, because the other side is empty. time-bound elements drifting somewhere over the bay. connected …

echoes in my head...

i hear voices in my head... not the crazy kind like i have to do something evil. it's more of something that i have to do as a self-accomplishment. like what's next on my life list? or what to watch next on TV..... normal things that sometimes or most of the times gets out of hand.

you like someone, but that someone has a commitment. and when that someone likes you back, you're no longer there? annoying right? you go into self-pity thinking of the things that might have gone wrong in the process. then you suddenly decide: hey, why not go for someone else? but that's the someone you could never like, like the one before him or her. as insane as it might sound, just like what's going thru my brain thru a dozen synapses, exploration might be the answer.... and then you wake up the next morning sleeping with the wrong guy!!!! as if vanity matters? some would say: yeah right!! it matters a lot... you have to go out with someone crucial, top of the food chain. i read so…

another ordinary day... or so i thought

we tend to see things, a little bit off-hand. we ignore things that are just right in front of us. most of us go thru a vicious cycle called a schedule. an uncalled for and erratic time that holds our very existence. and as i go thru such so-called schedule, i thought it was just another ordinary day... not. people began to leave like water from a running faucet. memories, began to fade and move like the hands of a clock. things began missing, like waves that vanish beyond the dark blue waters of the ocean. at some vantage point, i thought that it was to my liking. but it wasn't. a bottomless pit of bittersweet tears. reading thru letters from a friend made me realize that i am not just a part of society. a so-called society that binds me by rules. rules, that some might find, uncalled for, but really, its one of those so-called perfect existence. a world, where things go accordingly. but of course, another day another, time-bound self with no self-pity whatsoever. looking at an emp…

faith beneath the pages of life

experiences teaches us in different ways... but the best teacher of experience is faith.

it can take you to new heights of deeper understanding of the world around you, the people you meet daily. it gives you a sense of responsibility of what to believe.

you are reborn from a fire like a phoenix whose fate lies beyond the barrier of time and existence.

when you love someone, one of the key factors you must have is: faith. otherwise you get lost in a sea of empty faces just breezing by your life like the wind that changes direction every now and then.

without faith, love will be lost to you. empty words that flow thru the veins of existence. a parallel world beyond life and death. without faith, the meaning of life will be lost beyond your grasp. you tread the land as a ghost of a former self, never knowing rational and irrational. sane and insane.

faith is the foundation, without it, you may never know who to turn to. you search for someone to love, only to learn that you could never give …

awaiting fate

for the past few days, my mind has been a total mix-up...

my sister and her classmate, kuya det, told me an interesting story about my "so-called prediction" of their other classmate, winston-san. when i made that "so-called prediction" i was merely anchoring it on my observation of winston-san. i had no full intentions of it happening for real.

it began with their class presentation in Jap class. it was a cute and classic remake of Battle Royale, a famous Japanese film. while i was watching the film with my sister, i made an observation. a flash, even i couldn't control beyond my slightest notion. then we watched 300 by Frank Miller at the theatres, which kinda made it more "obvious" with my observations. i met winston-san for the first time and the "flash" made me see who he was. something, even i, can't control. and then he wrote a blog about it.

honestly, i hate doing "it" anymore. i keep on losing people. people that matters …