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Showing posts from 2008

I thought it was right... It wasn't.

It was wrong. I made a huge mistake of believing that the signs could never be wrong. I thought it was written in the stars. I was rash enough to be a friend. But in the end, it all made sense. Writing that letter was wrong. Being vulnerable was wrong as well. I let my guard down. I was foolish enough to let the thief in and steal what was rightfully mine. A privacy that let everyone know I had been stupid enough to believe another lie.

I had liked the view so much, that I forgot, that there are other blurry images behind. Images unseen and waiting to be deciphered. Maybe it was Kirk all along, or maybe Zac or maybe it was Micah? I was wrong to jump. It was a trap, meant to trap my emotions for everyone to see.

Having this dance, was wrong. In every sense. Promises were meant to be broken. I kept my hopes up only to find out, that it was all a big mistake. And now, I have to go my own way and leave... Make choices both easy and hard. Letting go and saying goodbye for good.

When that day comes...

Maybe I was being rash when I decided to be "in communicado". I tried to put myself into exile and try, as much as possible to forget the pain building up inside of me. I did all the things possible to forget: work till the wee hours of the morning, go into extreme work-out (which I have partly done), get into sports (which I did, European Football and all after 2 months of badgering from my so-called half-brother, dim-witted (kidding) nephew and close gal pal). I tried to veer away from the world for the while, since this "in pain" bit has gotten me into a bit of binge-eating now and then.

I tried to reel away from society. Convincing myself that true love doesn't have to mean, marrying someone who has status, but marrying someone because you love this person. I once heard from my dim-witted nephew (kidding and you might kill me later on!), in the most exasperating voice ever: "Auntie, you don't have to shield yourself from the world, someone out ther…

I hate rumors...

Rumors. They could kill you. Some may leave a dent in your life. Some may devastate and leave a huge hole. But no matter what form, it's still a rumor. It means, cleaning up a mess that's not mine.

I heard a rumor once. Someone told me they heard a rumor I have a boyfriend. Boyfriend? I'm not even seeing anyone and I'm busy and suddenly a boyfriend? I don't think so. Hell no!

Let me know if you hear anymore rumors about me, ya dig?

Love meant...

The other day, I was reading my diary from cover to cover. Wondering if I wrote an entry that speaks of my mistake. A mistake, I may have done without realizing. But as I walk down memory lane, I was quick to notice how many smiles he has. All 7 of it. But then, how could I've missed such detail. I waited patiently for the knock on my door, a knock I never heard and will never hear. I am content merely to gaze at the moment that was once mine. But then, it's gone.

I cry myself to sleep nowadays. Hoping that crying would help. But I guess, the only thing that the tears gave me was the experience to relive the pain again. A scar in my heart, that needs to heal in time, not by dictation. I miss a lot of things. The times when I waited by my door for the return of my book, the anticipation for a call that now, would never come. I am merely content, knowing that he is well and happy, even if I'm not happy. It's true that, love meant giving up your own happiness for the ha…

What ifs...

Maybe I was wrong. I may have read it wrong. Maybe my heart was wishing something that was never there to begin with...

If only I never saw it. If only I never felt it. Then maybe I would never wish to watch the stars at night as they dance with clouds and sing with the moon. I could only wish but never have. If only I was not blind to see what was there to begin with, maybe I would not have listened to the lies that would make me fall into a bottomless pool of sadness and pain.

I could only have what ifs and maybes, but no definite answer. I just wish I find the answer soon, before I am thrown into despair.

Plaintive Wishes

If there was one thing I could rewind with what's happening to me now, it's not knowing this one person: my current supervisor. I was perfectly fine where I was and all of a sudden I was thrust and yanked out from my spot. I think the main reason why, was because my current supervisor is a pain in the butt (aside from obtaining a new gadget that he doesn't really deserve, not that I am sour graping about it). Which I have proven, time and time again. He's a walking biatch and a walking (well, words are not enough to express how much I hate this person).

If only this person could turn into an animal, how I wish it would be a cockroach I could smash into a million pieces in between my shoes and the floor.

But for now, I will just chant my mantra: "Another day, another disappointment..."

In a quagmire of thoughts...

I was soaking up the sights while we were cruising down the busy streets of the metropolis, when someone interrupted my thoughts. It was someone I was hating for quite sometime (well hate is such a strong term, maybe less like-able which was true in general). "It" began on asking me about my current non-existent love life. "It" said, that I was looking for love, not love finding me. To begin with, I never looked for it (though some may mistake me for doing so since I am mostly with guys during weekends due to a weekly Football game), since I never I really saw myself as someone as pretty as the girl you see on billboards or ads for that matter, I am not as brainy like some, nor am I as thin (though I play sports) like models walking down the runway. Although I believe that life without love is not life at all, I also believed in if you're meant to be, no matter how far he may be from you, then you'll most likely end up together, if you were meant....

Like I …

untitled

The sky was pitch-black,
There was nothing to see.

Solace begins to embrace me,
Blood begins to fall from my eyes and onto the ground,
wasted. unforgiven.

The ground opens and eats me in one big bite,
Taking my soul along with it.

I see the blood of my enemy, slowly dripping to nothing.
Time is on a standstill. Each tick represents your life.
a life is taken. another reborn.

A man is on a table, wating to die.
His body festered with wounds, licked by the maggots.

Flesh melting away, bones disentegrating. Eyes gouged out.

The book of the dead brings back life, and the book of the living takes life away.

untitled

I see the sky turn dark and the moon is rising on the western horizon. There are two flags, one is black, the other a shade of blue-green. It was flying against each other, and the black was torn into pieces.

I see flames shooting out from someone else's palms, and the other pair of hands I see has ice shooting out. I did not see who they were, all I know, was that I was hit by the ice and the hands whose palms were shooting flames, carried me up to the skies and kissed me. I woke up to find myself wearing a white gown and a ring on the ring finger of my left hand. We kissed and everything turned black.

As I opened my eyes, I was in front of my computer. What happened?

Unsent Letter

Dear Noah,

I am writing to you, not because I have to, but I need to. In my heart there are so many things I wanted to tell you but my lips are frozen, and I could only whisper those words in this letter that I am writing. I know you will never get tired of me saying this, but, I have never regretted my decision of coming back to see you after so long. I missed our long talks, the way you teach me how to speak in another language through your poems. But what I really miss, is how you say hi and ask how am I. Everyone asked me, especially the ones who were close to me, why I came back to you, instead of going with the other? I never explained. Simply because, they would never understand, that the feelings between us were special. They would always think of our past as a memory of a time spent together. But to me, it will always be special. I have always dreamed of our time together as perfect. People may say, that I have wasted my time, going back and looking back at a love once lost.…

...

The grass surrounding me were slowly dying. It was the beginning of a barren wasteland. But as I slowly walk amongst the grassland that surrounded me, I felt a racking pain on my lower back. It was so painful that I could not move. I began seeing darkness. Everything around me was turning black. The grass so green, turned into gray. The sky that held the clouds and the sun, was turning into gray. I slowly fell towards the earth.

As I was about to close my eyes, for the last time, someone held my hand. He looked towards the sky, and carried me up towards the heavens.

Upon reaching the skies, I awoke. He held my hand and inserted a ring on my ring finger on the left hand. I looked at my clothes, and instead of denim, shirt and rubber shoes, I was wearing a long white gown instead. I was also wearing white shoes. But my eyes, they were the color green. I looked into his eyes and then we kissed...

I opened my eyes again and I was staring at my computer terminal.

What happened?

...for now

I look out my window and I see the rain fall on the ground. Thunder could be heard a few distances away. I see my reflection on the windowpane, a reflection that misses a smile. How I wish I could see the sunshine, but the rain is another weather that I appreciate as well. When I am reminded of how you smile, I catch myself in the mirror, smiling. You make me feel safe, even if I cannot see you right now.

Asking me how am I, makes me feel so warm all over. A warmth that splashes around me, even when it's raining and cold outside. Hopefully the phrase: Dovrei dire addio, e'l unica cosa da fare... does not apply to us. For my tears, like the rain, will fall like torrents from the skies. Except, they will fall from eyes and will be soaked-up by the ground. The words by Neruda rings true for me:

I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where.
I love you straightforwardly, without complexities or pride;
so I love you because I know no other way

than this: where I does not exist…

...As you walk past me

As I stare at the faded photograph on my hand, I see a once lost soul. Looking for something that wasn't there. The smile wasn't real. The pain was in fact, as real and as crystal clear as the water in a sea that holds a lot of memories. I again look at the photograph. I try to wipe away the tears that silently flows down from my eyes. Escaping another to give way for the other.

I look at the grass, so green that I could smell the scent of dew drops in the morning. I also catch a glimpse of someone waving hello to me and asking how I was. How my heart leaps fast as I see you smiling at me and letting me know that everything is fine. I have been seeing you for the past few days now. I have been expecting a visitor that never knocks on my door, yet you, grace my door with your presence.

I see you wave your hand to say hi, and walk away smiling, letting me know, that tomorrow is another day for me to wait for. A hope, that I trust would bring me more smiles than frown.

Memory in a sea of dreams...

It was the year 1826.
Spring in Kyoto was different from the rest.
It was a time when the welcoming of spring is like a sweet kiss on each leaf, each petal, each tree. Returning a warm green embrace back to the Earth. The Kinkaku-ji Temple in Kyoto was home to a Shogun. But it also turns out, that there are other guests in the temple aside from the guests of the Shogun. My nephew and I found ourselves strolling inside the the temple. Watching the ducks wading in the lake and just gazing at the lush greenery. Then my nephew asked:
"Auntie, are you okay? You're near, yet so far, is there anything bothering you at all?"
Averting his eyes and looking away into the lake, I replied:
"I'm fine. There is nothing to worry about. Besides, what made you ask that question?"
His gaze fell on the ducks swimming on the lake. Then he spoke, in a broken voice:
"Auntie, I know how much pain you are feeling at the moment. But I have a very good feeling that you're really me…

Dear John

Dear John,

How I miss you so. The hands of the clock move so slowly and I could only wonder how you are. Words, are not enough to let you know how I love you so. But the fear in my heart remains. Would you forget me? Or would I simply be a memory, a part of a past that's easily forgotten? Like a woman of the desert, I wait for the love that has gone across the dunes to seek out a war that's been going on for centuries. I gaze at the moon, hoping that your promise will never be broken. I long for the smell of your hair, the touch of your hand. But I could only wish, but never have.

I miss you. And hope that at the end of the day, you could also see the tears that falls down from my eyes...

Love,
Savannah Lynn

Dear John

Dear John,

I have a fear in my heart. Every passing second, makes me wonder, how you are. Should I start this letter, by telling you how much I love you? Or how much I miss you? Or how your voice assures me of better times to come? But as the days go by and weeks rush on, I could only think of the time we spent together. I never told anyone about us, because, they would only think of our time together as a by-product of a short time together. A "fling" that in the long run won't mean anything. They would never understand. In my mind, I would replay those moments, those words. When you told me to play by ear and not by heart, I knew you meant well. You never wanted me to feel pain, or get hurt. But I could never find it in my voice to tell you that even hurt, can come in two forms: intentional and unintentional.

I miss you. And someday, I could only wish that your hand, is in mine.

With much love,

Savannah Lynn

i see no reason why i should stay...

running away proves that you've lost the
battle raging inside you. and since, i
ran away, it doesn't really prove that
i've lost. instead i chose not commit
the biggest mistake by staying.

i see eyes that reflect anger. a twisted
and sick lie that tells me that i have
been staying at a room full of lies.

if only i listened to another lie, then
maybe, i wouldn't have tried to forgive
myself for something i haven't done.

...in eyes that speak

believing that i have moved on, i tread on a path, weakened by lies and pain. i see a reflection upon the river of a thousand longing. i see the eyes that long to see the eyes that gaze upon the constellations in the skies. a voice, i longed to hear, but is no longer there.

i used to believe that i need not saving. that i do need a hero that would sweep me off my feet. i lied to myself when i said that i have forgotten those eyes, those lips, that voice.

i long for the voice that would assure me of better years to come. like a woman of the desert, i wait on the return of a once lost soul upon the dunes of waiting. deception was the only key.

i cannot bring myself to give my heart to someone i cannot love...