journey on dark waters

If being nice means stepping on others' feeling, then that is not nice. Recently, being friends with a 'so-called' nice person, opened my eyes to the difference between nice and not. Normally I send messages on my mobile phone (which averages to 100+ messages depending on whether I am on unlimited text load). My messages ranges from quotes (inspirational, morning, love etc.), jokes, or just plain hi and how are you doing today. So receiving my messages within the day (let's say 5 or more), think of it as normal. And if I send a text message that happen to center on love, then it was probably just a forward (like I am doing at the moment). If by any chance that the message was misread, it's on the understanding of the reader, whether he or she would like to read it as either tragic, inspirational or for that matter a professing of one's own feelings. On my case, it happened. It was misread, without asking it personally from me if I meant the message or not! The w...

It was wrong. I made a huge mistake of believing that the signs could never be wrong. I thought it was written in the stars. I was rash enough to be a friend. But in the end, it all made sense. Writing that letter was wrong. Being vulnerable was wrong as well. I let my guard down. I was foolish enough to let the thief in and steal what was rightfully mine. A privacy that let everyone know I had been stupid enough to believe another lie. I had liked the view so much, that I forgot, that there are other blurry images behind. Images unseen and waiting to be deciphered. Maybe it was Kirk all along, or maybe Zac or maybe it was Micah? I was wrong to jump. It was a trap, meant to trap my emotions for everyone to see. Having this dance, was wrong. In every sense. Promises were meant to be broken. I kept my hopes up only to find out, that it was all a big mistake. And now, I have to go my own way and leave... Make choices both easy and hard. Letting go and saying goodbye for good.

Maybe I was being rash when I decided to be "in communicado". I tried to put myself into exile and try, as much as possible to forget the pain building up inside of me. I did all the things possible to forget: work till the wee hours of the morning, go into extreme work-out (which I have partly done), get into sports (which I did, European Football and all after 2 months of badgering from my so-called half-brother, dim-witted (kidding) nephew and close gal pal). I tried to veer away from the world for the while, since this "in pain" bit has gotten me into a bit of binge-eating now and then. I tried to reel away from society. Convincing myself that true love doesn't have to mean, marrying someone who has status, but marrying someone because you love this person. I once heard from my dim-witted nephew (kidding and you might kill me later on!), in the most exasperating voice ever: "Auntie, you don't have to shield yourself from the world, someone out ther...

Rumors. They could kill you. Some may leave a dent in your life. Some may devastate and leave a huge hole. But no matter what form, it's still a rumor. It means, cleaning up a mess that's not mine. I heard a rumor once. Someone told me they heard a rumor I have a boyfriend. Boyfriend? I'm not even seeing anyone and I'm busy and suddenly a boyfriend? I don't think so. Hell no! Let me know if you hear anymore rumors about me, ya dig?

The other day, I was reading my diary from cover to cover. Wondering if I wrote an entry that speaks of my mistake. A mistake, I may have done without realizing. But as I walk down memory lane, I was quick to notice how many smiles he has. All 7 of it. But then, how could I've missed such detail. I waited patiently for the knock on my door, a knock I never heard and will never hear. I am content merely to gaze at the moment that was once mine. But then, it's gone. I cry myself to sleep nowadays. Hoping that crying would help. But I guess, the only thing that the tears gave me was the experience to relive the pain again. A scar in my heart, that needs to heal in time, not by dictation. I miss a lot of things. The times when I waited by my door for the return of my book, the anticipation for a call that now, would never come. I am merely content, knowing that he is well and happy, even if I'm not happy. It's true that, love meant giving up your own happiness for the ha...

Maybe I was wrong. I may have read it wrong. Maybe my heart was wishing something that was never there to begin with... If only I never saw it. If only I never felt it. Then maybe I would never wish to watch the stars at night as they dance with clouds and sing with the moon. I could only wish but never have. If only I was not blind to see what was there to begin with, maybe I would not have listened to the lies that would make me fall into a bottomless pool of sadness and pain. I could only have what ifs and maybes, but no definite answer. I just wish I find the answer soon, before I am thrown into despair.

If there was one thing I could rewind with what's happening to me now, it's not knowing this one person: my current supervisor. I was perfectly fine where I was and all of a sudden I was thrust and yanked out from my spot. I think the main reason why, was because my current supervisor is a pain in the butt (aside from obtaining a new gadget that he doesn't really deserve, not that I am sour graping about it). Which I have proven, time and time again. He's a walking biatch and a walking (well, words are not enough to express how much I hate this person). If only this person could turn into an animal, how I wish it would be a cockroach I could smash into a million pieces in between my shoes and the floor. But for now, I will just chant my mantra: "Another day, another disappointment..."