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Unsent Letter

My Dearest,

Words are not enough for me to tell you how blessed I am to have you in my life. I wasn't suppose to let you in. I've been hurt so many times that I didn't want another pain to come in. Before I met you, someone tried to hurt me physically for the second time. Leaving me damaged in so many ways. I didn't want to come out of my house, I was traumatized enough to leave the house wearing a mask to hide myself from the world. Night after night I would cry myself to sleep, losing hope that no one would accept the scarred self that I am. I would lock myself inside the library until it closes and then I would go home unnoticed. But then you came. An answer to a prayer. I wasn't expecting on meeting you at all. I just randomly saw your photo on my brother's wall, and I totally forgot the next day who you were not until they reminded me constantly and until we became friends. When you were introduced to me and we got the chance to talk, I didn't want to entertain. I thought you would be another scar. But as the days went by, you helped me heal. I am not usually talkative but you reminded me how to smile again and made me regain hope that I lost. You made the effort in getting to know me. You could've left like the others, but you didn't. I asked you if you were scared or anxious about meeting the people in my life, my parents, the Church administration whom I also see my as my second family, you had the option not to continue this with me, and yet you answered me with: "anxious/scared, yes, but I am not hesitant. It's a blessing". And that's when I realized that this was something that God-willed. I am not perfect in many ways, I am still scarred from the last, and even I myself thought that God will not bless me with a good man, but He did. And it was God's way of telling the both of us, He wanted us both to be safe, away from the outside world.

I'm the type of person that can't stay mad at a friend or anyone for that matter longer than 2 days, the type that forgives and forgets very fast. I don't like holding grudges or hating on people. When everything comes falling down on my shoulders, I try to keep my head held high, smile whenever I can and think about the positive side of things. I tend to laugh about everything, even the smallest, stupidest things because in my world, laughter is the only way to escape from all my problems.

I am sorry if at times I may sound like I am being too annoying, but do know that when I call you time to time,  it is because I care. I wonder how you are, since we are 4-5 hours away from each other and I don't see you. I message every now and then, because that's the only way I know how to show you how much I care. I pray for you and your family, because that's the only way I can let you feel how blessed I am to have you in my life. I cry, not for tears of sadness, but for happiness, knowing that I am blessed.

Do you still remember the day you asked me if I can eat the foods from where you grew up? Or that same day you started teaching me the language of my roots? It was like coming home. Meeting you and knowing you meant that I was home. And it made me feel safe. There are times I still question God if I deserve you, and I got answered with countless blessings, to me it meant that I did deserve you. From being called back to the choir to being asked to teach again. My parents would usually ignore or not give chances to those who were being introduced to me, but when they started asking for you and looking for you without me opening it up, to me it was a blessing as well. And them seeing you as a son-in-law made me feel blessed. I remember hearing them talk about you as I passed by their room. My parents laughing and putting our last names together, the happiness in their voice. And when people would start asking about me and if I'm seeing someone, they would start talking about you of how you had the courage to see them.

I know the future might be scary. We both still have obligations to face, and that doesn't really stand in the way, for I believe that blessings will pour forth. And knowing that I will be journeying life with you, makes it less scary. I am proud of you all the time. I know you're not perfect, but so am I. I would continue to be patient with you, even though we both have a lot of things to do and won't have time for each other. I won't count on you to always answer my messages or calls, nor would I count on you to message me back as often. We have come to an understanding that even though we don't get to talk to each other often, we are just there, supporting each other despite the many obligations we have. Caring for each other as how we know best. I don't expect you to be perfect. And if you regret even for a moment that you loved me, or cared for me... remember that I will regret it with you. Even if there are million reasons to leave, I choose to stay, for the very reason you stayed.

I'm sorry if I can't always be the perfect girl for you. I'm sorry if I can't be the prettiest or the smartest or even the best. I will try though. To me, you will always be the perfect man that God has blessed me with, the perfect man who could be anywhere in the world, but he chooses to be with me because, life is better with me by his side.  I will make you smile, be your number one cheerleader. And if the world forgets you, ignores you or even hate you, I will be here. I won't forget you, nor ignore you or even hate. I will love you when the world doesn't. I'm sorry if I can't be there for you all the time, but, know this, I will be here, be your best friend when the world decides to turn its back on you. I will be there with hands reaching out.  Like what Pablo Neruda quoted on his poem, Sonnet 17:

"I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where.I love you straightforwardly, without complexities or pride;so I love you because I know no other way"

I would rather be like Frank O'Hara, and have a coke with you no matter where we are in the world. Even if in the summer New York sun, the impressionists never gave justice to the paintings. Which is why I am telling you all about it, because I know it would never be wasted.

The words ay ayaten ka begins to have meaning to me... and I continue to pray that what God gave to us won't be lost and be wasted.


With love...

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