We make them. Great, small, huge, tiny, damaging, and whatever else you might call it. Sometimes, we do it intentionally, and most of the times unintentional. This year, I have made quite a few mistakes in my life that cannot be rectified nor erased. But I do not regret making them or having them in my life. I had the biggest epic fail in my entire educational life. And it was all because of a few errors.
I tried to go against the flow and tried to prove once and for all, falling in love doesn't have to be dictated or it's free like the river. You may like whoever you want to like, go out with that person and try to defy gravity. But it has a price. An inevitable expensive price you pay later on. Like a credit card, it will accumulate and will send you a letter indicating that you have to pay as soon as possible. Painful isn't it? I wanted to prove everyone else, by talking, hanging out, or even seeing this person, that love was right, meant to be. But no. Because it was against all laws created, including that of God, then because of my defiance, I failed miserably in a few subjects that had my strongest point that is debating and written. Because I wanted to defy gravity, I stepped down the position I loved with all my life: Choir. I felt I was being unfair to God and myself by sitting in that choir loft and singing His hymns but my mind was somewhere else. Then my painful past came back. The suitor who used to beat me up has made his presence known by emailing me. I was scared out of my wits. I felt miserable, lost, empty. That I decided, though its against all my wishes and against my heart, to step down from choir. The only place where I felt near to God. I love my work, but my supervisor got the best of my existence. And I let it affect the other thing I love the most: my studies. I would opt not to go to class, or my mind would be someplace else. With all these burdens in my mind, what was I to do? I couldn't tell my mom, she was busy with a project. I told my dad, later on, but it was a bit late. I was already in a mess. My mind was already giving up on me. Wine was tempting me to drink, though I didn't touch a single drop. I knew I was slipping. Everything to me, felt like a total lie. I began to question a lot of things. I also started to detach myself from the people who love me. People who promised that they would come back, I never believed them. I would start to eat emotionally or totally not eat at all. I would come to class, empty-minded. Everything was a blur. Because of all these things, I failed.
But of course, in real life, there are no erasers. No white-outs to correct the wrongs. And even if there would be a way to correct it, it would be too late. Or rather, it would only do little to the damage done. I am not writing this as a sob story or something that would attract pity from the eyes of the readers. All I wanted to was to be listened to. Which no one has done in my entire life. Hearing and listening are two different things. Sure my sister heard me, but never listened. Same goes with my parents, they heard me yes, but never listened. They think that the remedy or solution to my behavior is by telling me off all the time of all the errors I have done. I even have tried to rectify the errors, mistakes and whatnot by being helpful around the house, cleaning, paying the bills, ironing. But its futile. Because somehow, even my acts of kindness were repaid by all my errors. But who am I to answer back? I am the daughter, so I try my really best to keep quiet. I believe that God is just and watching that I have been a good daughter.
Regardless of all the mistakes, errors and the part where none of my family understands, or listens, I still love them and understand them more. That's what makes me love them and understand them more, we all have imperfections and that what makes this family perfect. My deeper understanding and love for them, covers all tracks of their lack of paying any attention to me. Like I said, this is no sob story or I am not asking for pity. This is just me.
Comments