journey on dark waters

It's been two years. Two years since the pain. It was exactly the same time, same month when he began saying goodbye. I wanted to let go so badly, but I wasn't given the chance. I was asked to hold on, because it wasn't over till it's over. I already knew, months before, that it was over. The moment when I was approached by someone close to his heart and claimed him as her own, I knew I have lost. But then I was asked to hold on. A photograph that could only tell me of what once was, is still saved on my cellphone's internal memory. Before he left, he made a promise that he would write or call. That letter never came, my phone never rang. And I waited against false hopes that he would return. I would receive occasional hi and hellos through our common friends where he was. But was that even enough to make me stop crying? Will it comfort me of how he is? Like a woman of the desert, I await by the dunes, hoping only for a second that it wasn't merely a mirage that...

It's been two years. Two years since the pain. It was exactly the same time, same month when he began saying goodbye. I wanted to let go so badly, but I wasn't given the chance. I was asked to hold on, because it wasn't over till it's over. I already knew, months before, that it was over. The moment when I was approached by someone close to his heart and claimed him as her own, I knew I have lost. But then I was asked to hold on. A photograph that could only tell me of what once was, is still saved on my cellphone's internal memory. Before he left, he made a promise that he would write or call. That letter never came, my phone never rang. And I waited against false hopes that he would return. I would receive occasional hi and hellos through our common friends where he was. But was that even enough to make me stop crying? Will it comfort me of how he is? Like a woman of the desert, I await by the dunes, hoping only for a second that it wasn't merely a mirage that...

The last thing that I wanted to happen is get a call from someone connected to my past. It's a slap to my face telling me what I have lost. I've moved on, but it takes only one call to bring all the painful memories. My mistake, was I took the call, only to hear what would've been. Call it condescending, but I have tried. The caller would've been, should've been more than a friend, but a brother. I was asked to wait for something that would never come, by the person I trusted the most, my sister, my own blood. I thought it wouldn't hurt, but it did. In the end, I lost. Promises were made, but were broken. I know I would fake it by saying I'm fine. But that would be another lie. Maybe, just maybe, I would be saved someone before I drown.

I was looking at a painting the other day, trying to figure out what inspired the artist to paint such hues of red and blue. At some point it made me realize that I do the same thing with my writings. Some ask what inspires me to write from the inner sanctum of my soul. I smile. Secretly hiding the real meaning within, for no one will understand. They never will. Something inside of me was willing to run away and never look back. Instead I write. I pour my soul out onto a piece of paper and write. A question traced the lips of one. Query into how I really feel. Was I okay? Was I doing fine? How will I survive? My answer will always be the same: "I'm fine, life's going great never better." But inside I am slowly melting into a quicksand of pain. Each grain slowly sinks me in sorrow. I have managed to smile despite the bitter tears that cascades from eyes. People knew. But never asked me, with respect to how I would feel. Yet in their eyes I could feel the pity. Their l...